"Reflection"

"...Beads of sweat, second thoughts on my mind
How can I ease the stress and learn to live with these regrets this time?"

Jay-Z - 'Regrets'

As I sit back in moments of reflection, reminiscing within my mind; I feel a great sense of pride over earning my college degree, but also a deep sense of regret. Just three years ago, it was unlikely that I would even make it to this point. See, my path to graduation was an arduous task, full of personal trials and tribulations - a result of my early immaturity, depression, and lack of motivation. My high school career was characterized by my lack of concern over my future - I rarely studied, rarely did school work, rarely paid attention in class. While teachers and family members constantly tried to push me, remind me of my intelligence, the importance of a great education - I refused to acknowledge it, content in sticking to my rebellious ways. The only reason I went to college was to please my parents, who up until that point in my life, had very little to be pleased with me about; while family friends were bragging to my parents of their childrens' acceptance into Ivy League educations, they were hoping that I would just continue to go to school. The only reason I was accepted was because of a great S.A.T. score, which was not due to diligent test preparation.

I began my college career with the same attitude as I had before; doing what I could to get by, never looking ahead to what the future may hold. I soon fell deep into an abyss of alcohol consumption, and persistent partying. I was having the time of my life, living in the moment, destined for failure... inevitably it all came crashing down. I failed out of school second semester of freshman year - seemingly my life was in shambles. Still, I continued to live recklessly - my decisionmaking got worse as time progressed. Then the arrests started coming - while the charges never stuck, I was developing a rap sheet that made me look like a criminal because I chose to put myself in compromising situations. I just didn't understand that being a black man in southwest Virginia required that you proceed every situation with caution. I blamed everything under the sun for my problems other than myself. You can only imagine what my parents were going through, my mother pleaded with me; still my demeanor was "fuck the world".

I ended up getting back into school because of a glitch in the system after half a year off. It was funny because once I got back in, I wanted to succeed, but I realized that I didn't even know how to. It was discouraging; I had never developed study habits, and didn't even know the amount of effort it took to be a successful student. Albeit I was doing better, I found it difficult not to revert back into some of my old ways; I still skipped classes, and was putting school secondary to my social life. Then something happened that will forever be etched in my memory - one of my roommates disappeared for three weeks. His mother came to get his belongings, and informed me that he would be entering a rehabilitation center - I always knew he had a problem, but I never knew the extent of it - or rather I was in denial. He was my friend, he did want he wanted to do, I had never done hard drugs and I thought his cocaine use was purely recreational - I didn't know what it could do to you. When it got worse, I was forcing myself to remain incognizant. To this day I regret not doing more; by not forcing him to confront the issue I enabled the problem. His mother cried on my shoulder that day, told me to never do drugs. The emotion, the pain, and the anguish in her face was so deep, it was moving - I had an epiphany. I never wanted to put my mother in that position. All the bullshit I was putting my parents through had to stop from that moment forward.

I started to focus more on my studies, I taught myself what it would take for me to be successful, I surrounded myself with likeminded people, and I developed a thirst to learn. I realized that I was the root of my own problems, nothing else, because I ultimately had the final say in what I chose to do. My motivation at first centered around the desire to make my parents proud of me; soon I realized that I should be the focal point of my dreams. I was driven like never before to fulfill potential that I was just starting to recognize I had. Things started to look up - my academic performance went from unacceptable to excellent. Graduation was the culmination of the transformation I had made to improve myself.. I was proud of what I had accomplished, grateful that my parents never gave up on me - the true measure of a great parent. I was thankful for the great teachers, and great people I had met along the way...

...Yet, as I look back upon the college career that has come to define so much of who I am, I am consumed by waves of contrition. While I love the growth that I made as a person and a student, I wish it never had to be that way - I could have achieved so much more. Regret is an emotion that weighs heavily on the psyche, and it feels like a brick on top of mine.. I find myself searching for the answer to the existential question, "What If?"...